I had the grandest idea of falling in love with you. From the moment I went online to register with giddy and happy anticipation. Anticipation that stemmed from the notion that we must try things more than once, to see if we genuinely like or dislike it. I happily paid the exorbitant registration fee, anything more than $50 makes me cringe. The idea that I might be able to keep up with Steph Z. was another alluring factor. And it goes without saying, the fact that you have placed yourself in the luscious rolling hills of the land of the fruit that produces my happy juice, completely makes me swoon!
But I’ve fallen from my cloud of disillusionment and have hit the ground of reality with a thud. I will be there, to endure every step of the 26.2 miles that I have signed up for. But in the depths of my running heart, I know I did not put my all into this training cycle, which leaves these miles feeling less than desirable at the moment.
Blindly, I didn’t think a relationship would change my priorities. I know, such a novice mistake. Cuddling in bed and sleeping in just seemed more important than going on a weekday run. I am in no way throwing blame on J, but rather openly admitting that I haven’t made the best decisions when it comes to my training. Thus, the dread and somewhat humiliation I have residing on my shoulders.
When everyone around me is setting PR’s, I’m going the opposite way. I’m setting PR’s for my slowest times ever. I know that 26.2 miles is a feat in itself, but I cannot justify going slower than my first race, which clocked me in at 4:18. At this point, I am truly hoping to come in before 5 hours without walking. I know I’m being stubborn and irrational, but as race course, you know what us runners put ourselves through. The words we shout, the tears we shed, the bathroom breaks we take, and the sheer terror and euphoria we experience together.
My admiration for the marathon will never subside, so please don’t take this letter as a bashing to you Napa. I don’t blame you or see any faults in your ‘net downhill’ race. I am merely expressing my personal frustrations to you, because at one point I was so enamored with you, and now I have seem to lost my joy in running.
I know you will be beautiful, hard, and memorable. I’m just slightly scared to meet you, but also excited to have met you. You hold so many secrets I will learn this Sunday, it’s terrifying. But you know that. Everyone that toes the line, says this to you at some point, some others more excited than I, but still. The raw emotions you will evoke on Sunday, will be what many runners look forward too.
I will shy away as I toe the line. But know that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me (and my training cycle). It’s as cliche as possible, but when my legs give out I will run with my heart. I will remember that not everyone can run at all, so I will be grateful for that. I will remember all the encouraging words from friends, new and old, on social media or in person, that I have come across. I will remember the missed mornings that J and L put up with when I was training, and their unwavering support for me and my running antics. Mostly I will remember that I made this choice. I don’t give up and will finish, walking be damned, I will cross the finish line and drink plenty of wine.
So, thank you in advance for what you have taught me so far. I still have one more lesson to learn, but a lot of the hard stuff has been taught already. I can(not) wait to get lost in your gorgeous scenery and your unknown.
With all my love,
|Source // Pinterest|
|Source // Pinterest|
A little unorthodox Thinking Out Loud today, but sometimes you just need to write a love letter to the one that broke your heart…
|Amanda at .RUNNING WITH SPOONS.|
T-minus 4 days until race DAY!