I don’t want to write this post.
I feel like a failure.
I feel weak.
I’ve let myself down.
I’ve let you down.
But I do want to honor myself. I want to honor my true self and be intentional about my actions.
I know I put it out there (into the Social Media world) to keep myself accountable. I even paid for professional training. But life got messy and Triathlon training was no longer important. My six weeks of grueling Tuesday Tri training’s were intense, hard, and great growth for me to learn more about the sport. They built me up and created a newfound excitement, only to be deflated faster than I could blink. The same week I finished the six-week training course, I also ended my 4.5-year relationship. Needless to say, my mind was consumed with tons of post-breakup emotional and tactical stuff, versus building my tri stamina to compete.
If you’ve followed along, you’ve seen everything but my last Tuesday Tri training, because that still currently sits in my drafts section…
Musings: #GaneebanTris // Musings: #GaneebanTris – Week 2 // Musings: #GaneebanTris – Week 3
Musings: #GaneebanTris – Week 4 // Musings: #GaneebanTris – Week 5
Musings: #GaneebanTris – Week 6, The Finale TBD
I HATE to use the break-up as an excuse to NOT complete a triathlon in 2018.
I truly hate it to my core. It makes me feel weak and less than, BUT I also realize that I have to honor myself and do what is best for me. My body is not at peak condition at the moment, although I’ve been trying to get to ready for a meager sprint Tri in September. There are tons of factors that have made this endeavor hard and most of them actually feel like excuses, but as with everything, I share with the utmost transparency because it is important to me:
- The only Tri that really fit in my schedule is also the same weekend and the day before I go to SF to run the Giant Race 10k
- About a month ago I started to have intense hip pain that I am managing with Epic Chiropractic, but it is still here and may need to be addressed by my doctor or PT
- The cost is $70 to meagerly swim 200 meters, bike 3 miles, and run 1 mile
- I have not gotten into a pool since the Tuesday of the week we broke up
- I have only gotten on the bike once since the breakup
Don’t get me wrong. I can go out to Lake Natoma and do this triathlon fairly easily. I’ve shed some lbs and I’m physically in great shape, but with all that has come some of the most intense hip pain, I’ve ever experienced. I wouldn’t win the Tri, but I also wouldn’t come in last place. It would also possibly make the ‘fun’ 10k on Sunday unbearable, which I don’t feel like is worth it either.
But I’ve finally taken the time to sit with myself and ask myself why I am doing this race. A tool that I cannot thank my Therapist enough for teaching me and showing me how to apply it to all the hard decisions I need to make in life. And I realized, I was only doing it because I have verbally told all of my family, friends, and co-workers I would do it. No longer because I actually want to do it. It isn’t on my terms and I haven’t trained like I wanted too, despite the fact I know I could finish this race. Also, it costs $70 to do something I could just go do in one day at the gym, which is a little crazy. Tri’s are not cheap, even the for the short courses. I do not have my heart in it nor will I be truly prepared, I feel it is a disservice to myself, the sport, and my intentions if I sign up.
So, I’ve finally decided I will not be competing in a Triathlon this year. As I write this, failure weighs heavily on my heart. I think its more on my Ego, versus my heart. I feel like I’m letting down everyone who’s been cheering me along in my process. But, I want to be excited for my first full Tri, not dreading it.
As I’ve been trying to heal, the process of growth has expanded me exponentially. And it is with this new mindset and way to look at life, I realize this is the best decision for me. I will continue to remind myself I am not a failure, no matter what my Ego says. My body is obviously telling me something too, but I could push it to complete it. Would that be smart? No. Should I spend this much money on something I don’t even truly want to do? No, probably not. I’m trying to make the best decision without my Ego making it for me, despite how hard it seems to be.
Thank you to everyone who has asked about my Triathlon experience and my upcoming race. Although I won’t be competing this year, I truly appreciate your support and encouragement to try something new and challenge myself. This setback makes me even more driven to do it next year and plan ahead, train properly, and go after a long distance for my first true Triathlon.
Truly honoring my heart, mind, and body…even though my Ego is bruised.