Musings: 2018, A Year Of…E V E R Y T H I N G

Addio, 2018!

Positano // Pisa // CA State Fair Thornton Wedding in Cancun // Cancun // Best of Sac Party BYPTWD at VSP // Canon Brunch // Swimming w/ Dolphins, Isla Mujeres

I’m sure you assume the first thing I will say was wow what an awful year I’ve had. But you’re wrong! While some of the things that have happened felt awful, they were really blessings in disguises. Some, not all. But this year has also been filled with some of the BEST moments, memories, and adventures I’ve ever had. It has been a year of very polarizing emotions and events, but I’m leaving 2018 as a happier and healthier woman!

Honesty – You chose to tell the truth, to be honest. It is a conscious decision. Whether it is a white lie or an omission, you make the conscious choice to leave that information out or unsaid. Big or small lies are all the same in the end. So, when your intuition is telling you that someone is being untruthful, then believe yourself, your body. Not only is this person breaking their trust with you, but they are also creating a space for you to break the trust you have within yourself. Let that sink in for a minute…

Perception of Value – At times, I don’t place enough value on the time I share with others. When it comes to others, I tend to put more value on things in a monetary way. I don’t equate my time and concern as something valuable. Realizing this has made me understand where and when I should share my value, my time, my energy. I usually give it out freely, but I have been slowly pulling back and being intentional with my time.

Loneliness – Be sure you aren’t confusing the feeling of being lonely with not being okay with being by yourself. You may have lonely moments, where you crave the attention, emotional or physical, from another person. I get it. But really, if you truly accept who you are, you won’t ever be lonely per se. There will be bouts of missing someone or something at times, but really, if you are happy and content with yourself, then this feeling won’t eat you alive.

Simplify – The breakup sent me into a simplifying tailspin, but as the months went on I started to fall back into my old habits. Once I realized I was not living the simpler life, I started making small changes again. Purging near a hundred pieces of clothing was so necessary. But at times was the perfect excuse to buy whatever I wanted. But I am reeling it back in and going to focus on this as a huge goal for 2019.

Strong – I don’t want to be skinny. I want to be strong. I don’t want to be the strongest, I want to have the strength that allows me to run without injury, play soccer like I’m in my 20’s, and PR some weights here and there. I want to embrace my strong body and ignore the notion that I am less than worthy because of my rolls, cellulite, and lack of muscle definition. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I am a majority of the time, but like most, I have my moments of self-doubt and feeling less than. But my goal is to remind myself to be ‘my own kind of beautiful.’

Vulnerability – It is a beautiful, hard process. One that requires a lot of mindfulness and daily, small reminders to myself. Also, understanding that it will make yourself and others uncomfortable. I realize this wasn’t something that I grew up with, but it was something that I want to share with others. Prior to the breakup, I had been honing in on this skill with L and all the stuff she was going through. However, with therapy and reading a few books, I have more of a broad understanding of the skill set needed to practice this each and every day. I am by no means good at it, but I am trying and for that, I am happy.

Potential – I will never fall in love with someones potential again. To fully love someone, you must them without hoping to change them. This was something I was trying so hard to do for Juan. I saw so much potential, but I can’t want more for a man (or anyone) than they want for themselves. Whoever comes next, I intended to love them wholly, otherwise, I am capable of recognizing that they are not the right partner. I finally understand that when you love someone for who they truly are, that is true love.

Grief – I am still grieving my loss of L. There is absolutely nothing I can do, but put my love into the universe for her. I know this one will take a lot of time. I worry about her, even though it is, nor was never my job too. But I did and I do. I think I’ll always think about her, even if/when I have my own children. She taught me a lot about myself, most of it for the better. Out of all of my heartache, she is my biggest loss in everything.

Boundaries – I’m setting boundaries like its going out of style 😉 Now that I see this more clearly, they are easier to establish and stay consistent with.

Travel – I am so ready to collect stamps in my passport, instead of collecting more lulus! This year my goal is to be very frugal, so I can truly pay off debt and save for more adventures. I want to go more places, see more things. Immersing myself in all things travel is what I am craving. While I love functional workout gear, I’ve been way too financially messy to travel and not use credit. I want to be able to pay for my trips without having the debt looming over my head.

Running – I really want to get back into it. It has always been a cathartic pastime for me, but my body seems to reject it lately. My hips are the worst offenders. While they have dramatically improved, they are still sensitive. A mixture of my time with Epic Chiropractic & Sports Therapy (learning the stretches that actually help) and what I hope to attribute to collagen seems to be helping a lot. They are always extremely sore after soccer, but nothing like they were a handful of months ago. There are specific stretches with bands that have really seemed to help, or at least this is what I am attributing to my recent lack of soreness. Again, I can’t really attribute it to any one thing, but something is working.

Mental Health – Even though I don’t cry after each session, therapy is still such a blessing. I am grateful I have found a therapist that works for me. I am learning so much about myself, who and how I want to be, and skills for life. I will continue down this path for the foreseeable future.

Less Scrolling, More Living – I say this all the time, but I’m going to try to put this into practice for longer than a week this new year. My time on social media has slimmed down, but I think there is still more I can do to be on my phone less. Books have been a great distraction from my phone. But also making different choices in how I spend my time with myself has helped too.

Slow Down – In general, but really slow down and take my time at work. No issues, but I want to be more thorough in everything I submit and produce. I tend to go quickly at work and it has not proven to make me a better employee. So, I am going to keep reminding myself that I don’t need to work at lightning speed to be good at my job.

Self Talk – Is so incredibly important. You aren’t crazy. Sometimes you need to remind yourself of the important and healthy shit. Talk to yourself — out loud or in your head, whatever works for you. This is a part of mental health that isn’t talked about too much. It’s a healthy habit and I bet you do it without realizing you are. Keep it up!

I am so grateful to be going into 2 0 1 9 feeling lighter, more centered, and happier than I have been in a long time. Despite the harsh reality of what got me here, I am slowly healing in a very healthy way. Now, the good days far outweigh the hard days and for that I am grateful. For whatever reason, I could not do for myself what I needed too, but Juan did like his final, loving gesture (even though it felt nothing like that at the moment). And I get to go into this new year a better woman. I have those who support me, those who chose to stay, and those who I want to be around surrounding me…still reflecting the love and light I share with them, but also being a support system when I need it.

2018 forever changed me in the best way possible. I get to be the best version of myself. I have no idea what comes next, but for the few things I do know that is coming, I am excited for the new year and new adventures. I fully commit myself to be wholly vulnerable, even if it hurts and even if it is scary. I will challenge myself in big and small ways. Some are already defined and some will be surprises along the way. I intend to be more fluid, truly go with the flow and not plan out my life so accordingly.

I also noticed that when I don’t pack my schedule and I allow for the time by myself, I manifest things that I’ve always wanted. It’s as if when I allow space and time for myself, the universe brings good things to that space. So, Universe, I’m listening. I’m going to slow down and not commit to everything I’m invited too.

New year, same-ish me…

One Reply to “Musings: 2018, A Year Of…E V E R Y T H I N G”

  1. So happy that things are going well in your life! Continue to believe and trust in yourself! You are a strong, vital woman filled with so much creativity, love and potential! God has many things in store for you! Praying that you will continue to grow and meet new challenges in 2019! Love you dear Niece!

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