2019,  Mental Health,  Musings,  Relationships,  Therapy

Musings: Growth is Ugly

Yet so rewarding.

Growth and healing are a beautiful struggle I’ve experienced lately, across all parts of my life; family, friends, and personal relationships. It’s most impacted the way I communicate with these different people overall.

I see the differences, resulting from healing and actively trying to grow into the best version of myself. Things don’t bug me as they used too. I don’t hold on to anger, nor do I associate its origin with anyone or anything else. I have learned to let things go. Some are worth my time and voice, and some just plain aren’t anymore. This means fewer relationships and more peace.

I don’t know when the growth happened, but I am seeing and understanding the change. It’s scary. It’s hard. It’s ugly. But in all of this, it is beautiful too. I can look back and know the version of myself from before and am happy with the version of myself now.

I have plenty to work on and life has been challenging my growth lately. But I can proudly say, I am making choices that do not disturb my peace. They are hard and ugly, but in the end, they are what is best for me.

I find it easier to believe the things I once only told myself, but never truly believed. Things such as, people make their own choices, which have absolutely nothing to do with me. I cannot and should not carry the burden of others’ choices and actions. They do so accordingly and I cannot associate myself with their choices and actions. It’s the easy route to take this on for others, to blame yourself for the way someone else acted, but honestly, that is not fair to yourself.

I am working on being very vulnerable. I am not good at this, at all, but I’m slowing finding my footing in this arena. I was not raised to be vulnerable. I was not raised to share my feelings without feeling judged. But now I have the tools to do so, but it also involves risk. The risk of being hurt, of being let down, and being sad. But not being vulnerable is worse than any of those feelings, singularly or combined. I cannot walk around sheltering my wants and needs to appease others, that is not the life I want to live.

I find it easier to let things go. This is a HUGE step for me. I used to hold onto things for a long time. Now, I have the tools to process my emotions that things elicit and then act accordingly. Maybe it’s me accepting whatever happened, maybe it’s me not responding, or maybe it’s me being at peace with it and moving along. All of the above has happened in the last six weeks. I’ve been tested, but my growth has allowed me to respond best for myself, whatever that may be.

I’ve also learned that I need to process my emotions. I’ve been fairly good at always knowing what emotion something or someone elicited. But, I never knew what to do with that emotion. I didn’t know that I should sit with that emotion, give it space, and embrace that emotion. I was always scared of emotions, especially anger and sadness. The idea that I have to sit with those emotions and then thank them and allow myself to fully feel them is effing scary. But I’ve been doing it, better at times and worse at times. I know that I have to do this to move on from something or a situation, but I’m not always proactive about it. That growth has been transformative for making decisions based on my growth.

Lastly, I’ve learned that speaking up for what I want and deserve is not something I should shy away from, nor be embarrassed about. If it’s not met with the same feeling or idea, then that is okay. It isn’t meant for me. All I can do is be vulnerable enough with myself to speak my truth. This is hard. Really effing heard, but it is something that is necessary to be the best version of myself.

No one sees your growth. This is the best part of growing and why it feels so damn good to know its happening. I don’t have anything to prove to anyone, even myself. I just get to experience it all, knowing I am doing what is right for myself.

I falter. A lot.

I get sad. Sometimes.

I feel hurt. A good amount.

But with growth comes ugly times. And although they are ugly, they are necessary to grow. No one grows by sunshine and rainbows, it takes the challenges and bumps to rise to the occasion.

IG therapy and quotes seem to be the new jumpoff and I love it. I would never use it to replace my therapist, but the posts are great reminders and tidbits about things I learn in therapy. I thought I’d share some of the ones that I’ve saved over the last few months, in case they could help you as they’ve helped me.

It’s been ugly, but it’s been worth it.

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