It’s been A year, that’s for sure…
But, I don’t feel like it’s been a bad year like all the memes would have you believe it has been. At least for me, it doesn’t feel that way. It definitely has had its high highs and low lows, but what year doesn’t?
I’m trying to just allow myself to reflect on the year, but realizing we are closing out a decade makes it hard to reflect on the past year.
Musings from 2019
Travel – A year of domestic travel! So excited to have checked off New York from my list, but I don’t feel like I adequately can because there is SOOO much more to see. I’m grateful that it was a work trip and that I had a little time to play too. Spending my birthday at Disneyland was a first and so awesome too! I think the most overwhelming traveling happened over the last three months though — San Diego x3, with Arizona, and Las Vegas mixed in those three SD trips. And the family Hawaii trip was one for the books. How often do you get to travel with 20 of your family members to Hawaii? And then have it documented with professional photos. I absolutely loved sharing family breakfast each day, the beautiful hikes everyone did, and the ocean side massage (thanks for the treat Poppa Bear), and of course our fave North Shore beaches! And I’d be absolutely remiss if I didn’t end this with our warm Christmas in Cabo. A Cabo first and it couldn’t have been more relaxing and fun. Such a blessed year of adventures with friends and family!
Friendship – Last year and this year, I kinda took a backseat in many of my friendships. I chose to reach out less, connect less, and make much less of an effort than I generally would have. And it’s proven good for me. Those who want to be in my life, know exactly where I am and how to get ahold of me if they want to spend time or do things. It was also a year where I had to learn that at times the length of friendship does not always equate to quality of friendship. I’ve always known this, but it doesn’t happen too often for me, so when it does, it hits a little harder than expected. But, by doing more things for myself, I’ve met new people and fostered new friendships that fit where I am now.
Dating – I forced myself to be open to it this year and I learned a lot about myself: my boundaries, my wants, and how essential it is to speak up for what I want or need. Also, I need to ask the hard questions and be more direct during a conversation. My fallback is to always text because the written word comes so naturally too me, ALSO because I’m an overthinker so I like the ability to edit and revise my thoughts. But after my experience this year and reading The Ethical Slut, my goal for 2020 is less overthinking and appreciating the person and experience in front of me, with strong and clear boundaries. Oh, and speed dating is a joke, but do it with friends so its fun and you can laugh about it later!
Finances – This has and probably always be a sore spot for me. I need to be better. I say that every year and I still seem to fail miserably. But I’m making small changes, which will hopefully lead to bigger rewards in the future. As life ebbs and flows, I feel like my finances do too. I’ll think I’m doing well and am balanced, then BAM a new expense. As I write this, I’ve been without my car for over a month with a FULL engine rebuild. I’m trying to stay positive, but it really pisses me off. But that energy should be spent in a more positive way, so I remind myself people don’t even have cars and I’m blessed to have parents who can help me out when I am struggling. So, my finances continue to humble me.
Self-Love – It’s not a bad thing to love yourself. It’s not bad to spend money and time on yourself. It’s not bad to take time for yourself. Although we get mixed messages from society about loving ourselves, I’m loving myself the way that seems right for me. Whether it is doing a boudoir shoot or making sure I take one rest day a week, I’m doing things for me. I need to be happy by myself for myself before I can be a good partner to anyone else. And I am. I’ve found a good balance. It will always be a work in progress to find that balance, but I now make it my priority. I am my own priority. One day I hope to share that priority with a partner, and even children, but for now I get to be the best version for myself for those actually and currently in my life.
Reading – Joining a book club really helped re-spark my love for reading. I think I’ll always have a stack of books ready to be read in my house and a special ‘to buy’ list in my Amazon account. I’ve been trying to read more than my usual go-to of chic-lit too. I love getting lost in fiction and I feel like I was able to do so a lot this year. The down and quiet personal time were exactly what I needed to rekindle my love for reading.
Fitness – Milo and I were just chatting about last year versus this year and I realized this year was probably the first year I’ve ever consistently worked out so much. It wasn’t until about 2/3rds of the way through the year did I force myself to take one day off during the week. I was working out every day, whether it was Midtown, soccer, or running. It was too much and I wasn’t listening to my body. Also, I mixed in boxing a couple of times this year. I really like it and find it extremely hard. Also, just recently, I started enjoying running again. Maybe it was the new Garmin I purchased. Or maybe it was just that it’s been a long time since I’ve done it, whatever the reason, I’m enjoying it again, kinda…
Family – They are always a highlight and I don’t think that is any news to anyone. Each day that passes, I reflect on how grateful and lucky I am with the family I was born into. They are so damn supportive — emotionally, financially, and with their time. As I get older and meet more people, I also realize a lot of people don’t have what I have, which gives me a different view on life, the world, and perspective. And that’s okay. I am a lucky one. And I’m also the person I am because of their dedication to me and our family. Every adventure we take, dinner we share, or convo we have is something I don’t take for granted.
Living on My Own – One of the greatest things to happen to me this year. I absolutely LOVE living on my own. While I wish my accommodations had a washer and dryer, I wouldn’t change much more about it. I love having a space to call my own. It may be small and ‘cute’ but it’s mine and I feel at home, finally!
Therapy – This isn’t new to this year, but I consistently went for the entire year. And it’s been such a good experience. Plenty of times I didn’t want to go and talk about stuff, but then I leave feeling so much better. She helps me learn about myself in ways that I could not do myself, nor would I ever really do by myself. I also have learned that with this much self-awareness and emotional strength, I’ve had to lose people in my life. And that’s okay because boundaries scare people who cannot respect them. I love the woman I am and am becoming, because of the work I put in at therapy and each and every day on my own. I plan to continue therapy for the unforeseeable future because it is essential to be the best version of myself.
My Body – As I’m learning and fully embracing every roll, jiggle, and all the cellulite, I’m enjoying being in this body. I’m enjoying walking around without makeup. I’m enjoying this machine I was born with, even if it isn’t a size two with perfect skin. That’s okay. There is ONLY one of me. And that’s pretty cool! I’ve also had some of the weirdest things happen to my body this year, HFMD and Shingles. So, I’ve been thinking a lot about how my mind and body align and how they seem to be off, which really bugs me because I feel like I’m in such a better place mentally.
Kindness – I’ve been trying to make sure that everything I do is derived from kindness. Less being petty, jealous, or callous. I used to think that saying whatever was on my mind was okay because it was honest. I don’t believe that anymore. I also think I would say things to specific people because I wanted them to hurt as much as I felt hurt by them (words or actions). I don’t want to be and am not that person. So, with most things I do or say, I try to remember to filter it with kindness. I’m not the best at this, but it’s where I’m coming from now.
Blogging – This little hobby of mine has been a constant, cathartic outlet for me and I don’t see it stopping any time soon. I love this open diary I can share with the world. I love that it’s mine and I can do whatever I want. I do find that I filter some of my writing for fear of judgment. I hope to do less of that in the future. I want to be raw and honest in this space because that is what you deserve and who I want to be. So, 2020 may look a little different here…
Letting Go – I have a hard time with this, in general. I find strength in staying and trying to make things work. And this goes across the board for all things in my life. I was taught that strength is finding a solution, sticking it out, and working hard to keep something together. EVEN if it was to the detriment of my own self. And I’m learning to let that shit go. Once I realize it isn’t for me letting go is something I have to focus on. It’s not a strength of mine, so it has been a struggle this year. But I find God testing me in small ways with this. And with each test, I’ve gotten better. I know it will be ongoing, but I also have the correct tools to identify when something isn’t right and when to let it go. And not just say I’m letting it go, but truly allow myself to feel its hurt/pain/any feeling and then release it to the greater good without me.
I love that January feels like a fresh start, even if the previous year wasn’t hard or horrible. I just like that it feels like a renewal. I don’t do resolutions, but I think I might set goals and I’ve been thinking of finding a word to set an intention for 2020. All the things I’m still pondering, stay tuned, cause I’m sure I’ll blog about it when I decide.
My 2020 calendar is already filling up and I’m really excited about the few things I have on deck. But I also acknowledge my need for rest and time spent by myself too.
I do want to find the things that hold me back and work on them. I know there are plenty, I’m so far from perfect. I’m so scared of complacency and want to start doing things that scare me. I also want to start doing things by myself more. Two things I’d like to try this year are a solo hike and travel somewhere domestically, I’m not ready for a solo international trip just yet. Okay, this next thing might seem a little weird, but I want to craft, create, and color more. I want to use the creative side of my brain more, I don’t do it enough, even blogging doesn’t fully touch that side of my brain. Earlier this year I was making a drawing for a Lovebug and I realized I really enjoyed it — after I got out of my head for wanting to draw and color the most perfect lion. When I just let myself freely create I was so peaceful. I need to find that feeling again!
Before I finish this post, I just wanted to say thank you for coming here whenever you do. Time is one of the most precious things we can give someone and if you give it to me by reading my musings, then I am extremely grateful. I don’t write to an audience for accolades or any specific reason, I write because I enjoy it. And if you happen to enjoy it too, then that’s a bonus. I spend $10 a month to keep this site up and mine. I’m essentially paying to write a pubic diary and I’m okay with that. Even if no one came here, I’d still do it for me. For the cathartic release, I get from writing words that are swirling around in my head.
So, from the bottom of my girly tomboy heart, THANK YOU!
Adios 2019, and as some of the dopest women say — LFG!