2020,  Body,  Boudoir,  Health,  Mental Health,  Musings

Musings: A Reminder for the Days I Struggle with My Body

Loving yourself is hard.


I get it, girl. I really do!

Society reminds us daily, even hourly, that our standard of beauty is absolute shit, but we still believe it. Skinny is not everything, but it’s been ingrained in us, by us I mean women, for so long we believe it is what we should look like and strive to be. We must unlearn it. We must reframe our thoughts.

I am tired of hating my body.

I am tired of shaming myself becuase of my body.

I am tired of thinking about my body all the time.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

I want to believe it.

I don’t just want to say it.

Right now, today and the last couple weeks I have not been feeling comfortable in my skin. Then I remind myself I haven’t been to the gym in seven months. I am living through a pandemic and quarantined for about the same amount of time. I also haven’t played soccer in the same amount of time. I can’t tell you the last time these two things weren’t in my life consistently.

Sometimes it just takes perspective. Most times we are just too hard on ourselves. I can only speak for myself, but with the lady gang that I surround myself, I know many of them do the same. Not only are they critical of their bodies, but they hold all things in their life to an extremely high standard: being a mom, in their careers, etc. While this is great, sometimes we need to remember that we are human, grant ourselves grace, and be happy with where we are in this exact moment.

One reminder that I’ve been repeating to myself daily: Love yourself where you are TODAY. Not yesterday, not tomorrow. Today! It may not be my best, but I need to love myself regardless. And when I say myself, I really mean more so my body.

This was really heightened when I was chosen to be a boudoir ambassador. I applied for this opportunity, so I knew it was a possibility. I was excited when I opened the email and read that I was chosen, but I was also instantly had a little anxiety. My weight has been bugging me a lot lately. How can I tell other women to be empowered, when I’m not feeling so?

Along with being chosen, we were asked to participate in a little mini-shoot this past weekend. I could have passed on the opportunity, but why would I? Not feeling comfortable with my weight is not an acceptable reason to ditch out on a cool event. Honestly, will I ever love my body all day, every day? There have been some times when I have, but when I’m at that weight and body type, it’s always because of extreme working out and hyper-vigilant eating habits, both of which aren’t really sustainable for a healthy and emotionally healthy person.

Needless to say, I showed up for the meet and greet, knowing we were going to take a couple of boudoir pics. I am not saying do things you do want to do. I’m saying that I chose to show up because sometimes you have to make yourself uncomfortable. I will not say no to this opportunity, just because I feel chubby. That seems silly to miss out on such a cool experience to meet a handful of real women and celebrate our bodies.

Love yourself because there is literally only one YOU.
Love yourself because your body does so much on a daily basis.
Love yourself because you know you show up every day as the best version you can be that day. It may not be your best, but if you are at least trying, then you deserve the love.
Love yourself so others know how to love you too.
Love yourself because you give love to others so freely, that should be reserved for YOU too!
Skinny is just a word and subjective.
Your body is beautiful because it is yours, and yours alone.
Clothing sizes are arbitrary and don’t show who you are as a person.

Another practice I’ve taken up is reminding myself about some of the cool things my body allows me to do:

Your body can deadlift 318 lbs.

Your body ran a marathon.

Your body allows you to withstand hard miles of uphill on adventures hiking.

Your body has allowed you to play soccer for more than three decades.

Your body allows you to easily chase lovebugs around the park.

Your body allows you to swim confidently in the ocean.

Honestly, find what works for you and incorporate it into your life as much as you need to. Some days I use it once or twice, other days its on a looping repeat, because it’s what I need. Don’t judge yourself, but love yourself that day and give yourself what you need. Only you need what you need.

If anyone tries to tell you loving yourself is wrong, I hope you kick them in the balls. Cause I’m sure it will be a guy, not a fellow woman 😉

More than anything, this is a love letter to myself. To remind me that my weight doesn’t make me the woman I am. My weight does not define me. Although, when it does feel like it defines me, I have this arsenal of self-talk to love myself a litle harder. My weight doesn’t make me a good friend, daughter, colleague, or woman. My heart, determination, and strength make me the person I am. And sometimes I have to physically remind myself this, as I’m sure you probably do too.

When I love myself, I am teaching others how to love me too…

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