2020,  Dating,  Friends,  Mental Health

Musings: Never Did I Imagine

If you ever find yourself in a situationship…

situationship

RUN! Okay, I’m not here to tell you what to do with yourself or your emotions, feelings, or heart. Buuuuttt…

Never did I think I’d find myself in a situationship, let alone ending it for a second time. Probably more than that, if we are being technical.

First, I would be remiss if I didn’t own up to my own shit. Post 4.5 year relationship, I’ve had some stuff to work through. And I have. And I still have more work to do. I thank therapy (and amazing friends) for being equipped with so many tools for my mental health, self-worth/love, and the ability to strictly discern important things in any relationship – friend, family, or love.

Even with an arsenal of tools, I still find myself having to let go of someone I care about AGAIN. It is hard to accept what is right for you, but still, feel like you want the thing that is wrong for you. We aren’t taught how to let go of anything. I do know I have to sit with the hurt, sadness, any other emotion that arises. I can not run from it. I refuse to run from it.

What is so broken inside me that I want someone who doesn’t want me? That question hurts to write. But it’s true.

Not everyone can or wants to meet us where we are, and I have to accept this. I can’t question it, even though it’s my first instinct. I have to trust in the world and know that the path I’ve decided to follow is the one I’m meant to be on. The person who chooses to be beside me will be there because they want too, no questions asked.

I think that’s the thing about a situationship, there are a lot of questions. Questions that I wasn’t always allowing myself to ask. That takes vulnerability. And while this situationship taught me how to be more vulnerable, it also highlighted my flaws in vulnerability too. I can say, my Ego got in the way at times too, but more so it was my hesitation to be vulnerable.

Don’t be me. Ask the hard questions, even if you’re scared of the answer. And yup, you’ll hear what you don’t want to hear and have to leave. And it will effing suck. But then you’ll come back AGAIN. Or not. Don’t be me.

Sitting back, and overthinking (which I’m too good at), has me realizing I wish I dated more in my late 20s, early 30s. I was so comfortable in my singleness, I just lived my life and was happy. I feel like if I would have dated more, I would have got the BS of a situationship(s) out then, not now, when I had more time. I know love has no timeline and I can get married and have a family when its right for me. But I, like many, had a certain time table in my head. Well, because of society. Slowly, that timeline has been pushed back many times at this point, and now I just try to be intentional about who I give my energy to while being very honest about what I want for my future.

I also recognize there is no room for regret. People are brought into our life for a specific reason. I think this experience was to remind me that although I was heartbroken after my little family unit (with J) was uprooted, I still wholeheartedly want to be married and start a family. I’m ready for it.

That’s a little scary to write. To admit to the world. Cause here I am a girl who tried and it didn’t work AGAIN. It feels like failure, but I know it’s not. The smarter, evolved version of me knows this. The unhealed version of me still believes this.

I went into the second round of the situatioship with a different mindset, but it didn’t help. When someone sees you as a question mark, leave. It’s that simple. No matter how much I willed it to be different, saw them as someone other than who they showed me, I am the one in the end who is hurt and sad. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t…I can only focus on myself and grow through what I go through.

I know it will pass. I know this. I remind myself this. But it doesn’t hurt any less AND it wasn’t even a real relationship. Entanglement, maybe. HAHA! Thanks, Smith’s! I love to hate that dang word now 😉

I already know my friends want to say “I told you so.” Hell, I should also be saying that to myself. I stopped it the first time for specific reasons, but why did I do it a second time? The connection? Boredom? Cause I’m a sadist? Honestly, I ask myself this a lot. Why? The why is always so important and sometimes the answer won’t come for months, or years down the road. So for now, I can’t focus on that. I have to be open for what is coming my way, the man who won’t see me as a question mark, who will value every single molecule of who I am without hesitation.

It feels really shitty to keep failing at love/relationships. I am lucky to be surrounded by so many who remind me of who I am and how important I am in their lives, and for that, I know I’ve done something right in this lifetime. I can cry on their couches, vent over the same stupid shit, laugh endlessly at this dumbness, and drink all the wine or free shots for some relaxed fun! I’m lucky, regardless.

Don’t ever let it be clear as mud….

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