• 2019,  Mental Health,  Musings

    Musings: I Realized I’m a People Pleaser

    And I’m not okay with it… …at all! I want to write about this because it took hours of therapy and self-reflection to truly understand this. Then it took a while to accept this, but more importantly, I’m learning from it. And for that, I’m grateful I recognized it and can move forward in a different direction. There is definitely a spectrum of people-pleasing, and I’m somewhere in the middle. I don’t have an eager to please that stems from self-worth issues. In turn, I do act according to how rejected and/or accepted I anticipate an outcome will happen. The most important part of my process of understanding my people-pleasing…

  • 2019,  Mental Health,  Musings,  Relationships,  Therapy

    Musings: Growth is Ugly

    Yet so rewarding. Growth and healing are a beautiful struggle I’ve experienced lately, across all parts of my life; family, friends, and personal relationships. It’s most impacted the way I communicate with these different people overall. I see the differences, resulting from healing and actively trying to grow into the best version of myself. Things don’t bug me as they used too. I don’t hold on to anger, nor do I associate its origin with anyone or anything else. I have learned to let things go. Some are worth my time and voice, and some just plain aren’t anymore. This means fewer relationships and more peace. I don’t know when…

  • 2019,  Musings

    Musings: What Do Boundaries Feel Like?

    B O U N D A R I E S. Say it with me. Bound. A. Ries. When I was asked about them, of course I knew the word. But I also knew my therapist wasn’t referring to when I use a stick to draw a line in the ground, which determines what is your side and what is my side. No, she meant emotional boundaries. Personal boundaries, but not limted by physcial space. BUT space is included in this encompasing idea we were disucssing. It was as if I was learning a whole new idea, even though I already ‘thought’ I knew the idea. I had no idea. I…

  • 2018,  Instagram,  Musings,  Social Media

    Musings: I Have a SECRET Instagram Account

    No, NOT for creeping! I can do that with my regular account. HAHA! I created an account to share the raw and authentic, yet sometimes ugly, stuff on my mind in a very ANONYMOUS way. A good friend mentioned they created an account specifically for one topic in their life. I was intrigued. VERY intrigued. I asked for the handle and it was shared with me. I loved the posts because I’ve gone through a similar experience and I appreciated the posts, captions, and responses by others. It was then that it dawned on me, this would be a helpful tool for me. My therapist has taught me to ask myself the hard…

  • 2018,  Musings,  Triathlon

    Musings: Ganeeban DOES NOT Tri in 2018

    I don’t want to write this post. I feel like a failure. I feel weak. I’ve let myself down. I’ve let you down. But I do want to honor myself. I want to honor my true self and be intentional about my actions. I know I put it out there (into the Social Media world) to keep myself accountable. I even paid for professional training. But life got messy and Triathlon training was no longer important. My six weeks of grueling Tuesday Tri training’s were intense, hard, and great growth for me to learn more about the sport. They built me up and created a newfound excitement, only to be deflated…

  • 2018,  Health,  Musings,  Wellness

    Musings: A Recovering Absolutist

    Black and white, all or nothing, should have or should have not… Do you ‘absolute‘ things in life? I have. I always have. It’s taken some (re: a lot) of self-reflection to understand that I am an absolutist. After doing a quick Google search about this type of thinking, it makes so much more sense why I react to certain things and situations like I do. I want to think I’m a ‘go with the flow’ type of person, but really, I’m not. I want to be and am going to work towards adopting that mentality, but it will be hard. Really effing hard. I also realized my Momma Bear…

  • 2018,  Musings,  Relationships

    Musings: It’s Our Breakupversary!

    Why shouldn’t one celebrate a break-up? We (kinda) celebrated (more like I did, he could have cared less) our date-aversary and our anniversary. So, hell yeah, I’m happy to have survived three full months of having my life changed with one conversation. One decision. When your break-up lands on Friday the 13th you know it’s something special 😉 Lucky me, huh? It’s okay to not be okay. It’s one thing to say it, but it’s one thing to truly believe it and FEEL it. So, here we are. A full three months since we had that fateful conversation in the early morning hours on Friday the 13th in April. That woman that sat…

  • 2018,  Musings,  Wellness

    Musings: Cannabis + The Red Tent

    What in the WORLD could these two things have in common? Well, they are the themes of two events I attended last week. During my process through self-exploration and growth, I have wanted to challenge myself. Challenge my perceptions, beliefs, and perceived thoughts. It has been a challenge all right! But worth it… Cannabis as I now call it, no longer weed or marijuana, has always had a stigma with it in my mind, thoughts, and perceptions. I’ve never hidden this, but I’ve always somewhat accepted and supported friends who use this plant — recreationally or medicinally. However, I did and do have my opinions about it. As its prevalence grows, in…

  • Musings,  Relationships

    Musings: Babble, babble, babble…

    Today, I have nothing important to say… …but I have a lot of nothing important to say. Lots of thoughts. Lots of reflection. Lots of changing parts. Lots of seeking who I want to be. Re-learning who I am. There are a few things I know for certain. At the end of each day, I want to be proud of the person I have become. I want to be unabashedly proud of how hard and how much I loved, despite the potential hurt for giving my heart and love away so freely. I want to be proud of my life. I want to be proud of the effort I showed…

  • Musings

    Musings: Distracted

    There are always distractions, if you allow them. – Tony La Russa I found myself lost, distracted, and not focusing on the right things. And yes, I did just quote a non-SF Giants manager. That being said, I realized (a long time ago) I spend way too much time on my phone and more importantly on all of my Social Media (SM) accounts. I will be the first person to admit that too you, I don’t ever hide it. In fact, if you hid(e) me, deleted me, or blocked me…I wouldn’t even blame you. We tend to keep people in our SM feeds out of obligation (friend or family), even…